Today

This is all I can say after today. I am mentally exhausted and had at least one or two panic attacks. I wish I had known Gene Kelly maybe instead of some other people or at least just known him. I want to sing and dance in the rain (really cold rain, I think).

I went all over Memphis to find a book Haley suggested but I gave up searching at 7 and didn't even make it to Burke's. A girl just wants to learn! I completely changed my concept for my independent study. It's complicated. I'll post some of the questions I asked myself and some things I wrote down...

" habitual daily portraiture
mundane
unknowingly
affected or influenced
no control "

I was trying to decide if I could photograph internal things by making myself unable to suppress my subconscious.

"why am I doing this really?"

"Is it going to bring me to a greater understanding of myself or perpetuate my own self hatred?"

" self destructive behavior
wanting to feel beautiful
the dream of being anyone else but myself"
do I enjoy my self-loathing? "

"Am I too self involved?"
-removing/distancing my human experience
I know that we all have the same experience

"Does my work have cultural/ social significance?" (is that why I do it, should it be?)
"Is is actually helping"

Does an artist always have a need to create or express, does it come from them or from the outside world?

psychology: am I textbook? Is Anyone? Is my illness made up of the need for self-loathing?

"Is everyone self hating?"

Then Haley and I started talking: She suggested that I photograph others so that I can really know where I need to go in my self portraiture. I'm going for a "mock"umentary type situation. I am going to put out an add in the paper for female models that I will photograph is their own homes. I will ask them questions about how they think about themselves. The point of this exercise or investigation is attempt at finding a trace of something that is happening internally from their external body. This is not about "Essence" or "Beauty" it's a study of trying to see something familiar or at least understandable in the psyche of another woman.

Apparently I said so really deep stuff today that blew Haley's head off but I didn't write them down. I always do that. I think things come out of me subconsciously that are amazing, sometimes I agree with them and sometimes I think their just going along with a logical vein, or maybe I'm just good at making stuff up, stuff that isn't real but sounds like psycho babble.

Anyway I'm going to watch the rest of last night's Tudors. Henry is dying and I am sad.

P.S. I can't get Christina Aguilera's new song out of my head. What a Madonna rip off...this displeases me greatly.

I will leave you with Happy thoughts!